August 28, 2012 by The Sweetest Plum
A few days ago I wrote an article in Green Guide about how to become one of the great podcasts. It was really good because a) anytime we turn up in The Age it tricks our parents into believing we have real jobs and b) it got us a bunch of extra downloads, although I suspect a few Age readers might be frightened off the Podcast by their first big boy encounter. Anyway, due to space, they cut out a few bits (plus they spelt “mic” wrong), so I’m sticking the full article below…
The Step By Step Guide to Becoming One of The Great Podcasts
Spend 6 months as an unemployed comedy writer, then one night after drinking alone in your kitchen and googling your ex-girlfriends, stumble over an article on a hip website that says the old models of mass media are dead and podcasting is the future. Call a fellow unemployed comedy writer who is also drinking alone and ask him to start a podcast. Tell him the old models of mass media are dead and podcasting is the future.
Purchase podcast gear from a shop which sells mixing equipment to techno DJs. Tell the sales guy you want to make your own podcast, and then listen for forty minutes as he tells you about the drum and bass night he runs in the city. Purchase hundreds of dollars of equipment and get a slight discount when you promise to check out his drum and bass night. Never go to his Drum and Bass Night.
Record your first episode in your kitchen, but speak into the wrong side of the microphones. Notice the problem after your co-host has left when the episode sounds it has been recorded in a drainpipe. Tell your co-host you’ll need to re-record the episode, but be sure to blame the problem on his poor microphone technique.
Start telling people you’re a podcaster. When they ask what that is, sigh loudly as if they have just asked you a very stupid stupid question, and then tell them the old models of mass media are dead and podcasting is the future.
When your first few episodes are online, log into your account every twenty minutes to see if the download numbers have gone up. When they haven’t, tell yourself something must be wrong with the server, and keep refreshing the page.
Spend two hours on iTunes repeatedly subscribing to your own podcast in the hope you will rise up the charts. Give yourself multiple five star ratings. Later on find out that iTunes does not count multiple clicks from the same account and in fact, they have probably flagged your account for suspicious behaviour. Delete your old iTunes account.
Ask your housemate if they’ve listened to your podcast and when they haven’t, passively aggressively ignore them for the next few days. Later, while your housemate is in the shower, grab their iPhone and download all your episodes. Check your housemate’s phone a few days later and see the episodes have been deleted and the housemate is now passively aggressively ignoring you. Continue this cycle until one of you moves out.
Edit the show on your laptop in your local café. When the hot barista in black-rimmed glasses asks what you’re doing, tell her you’re working on your podcast, because the old models of mass media are dead and podcasting is the future.
After confusing the hot barista in black-rimmed glasses, accidentally delete the entire episode. Spend an hour trying to recover the file and when you realise it’s never coming back, thrust both middle fingers at the screen and swear very loudly. Notice that the hot barista in black-rimmed glasses is now staring at you with a slightly frightened look on her face. This is the last time she will ever make eye contact with you.
When your co-host asks why the last episode isn’t on iTunes, don’t tell him you accidentally deleted it. Instead try confusing him with technical jargon, such as “the file was corrupt”, “garage band didn’t compress the file into the correct format”. When that doesn’t work, tell him the episode had audio problems, and blame the problem on his poor Microphone technique.
Post a lot links to your podcast on facebook and twitter. Tell yourself you’re doing people a favour and the fact that people are blocking you on twitter or unfriending you on facebook has nothing to do with the fact you’ve mentioned your podcast 30-40 times in the last few days.
Write press releases about your podcast, using a lot of adjectives like “edgy”, “dangerous”, and “uncompromising”. Say things like “podcasting is the final frontier of the world wide web”, and call yourself “the last true outlaws in the wild west of new media”. After sending the press release to every media outlet in Australia, immediately regret calling yourselves “the last true outlaws in the wild west of new media”.
When you eventually get an interview, tell the interviewer you have no interest in working in commercial radio because the old models of mass media are dead and podcasting is the future. A few days later take a job in commercial radio.
When you are fired from commercial radio less than a year later, tell everyone it’s because the old models of mass media are dead and podcasting is the future.
Return to podcasting in the kitchen. On your first episode back, speak into the wrong side of the microphones again. After the show call your co-host and tell him you need to re-record the episode, but be sure to blame it on his poor microphone technique.
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