September 9, 2013 by The Sweetest Plum
I want to thank Channel Seven, on behalf of all entertained (and relieved!) viewers for finally allowing a vehicle for Grant Denyer and Ahn Do to appear in together! Those of us in ‘the biz’ have known for years how keen Ahn and Granto have been to work together but sadly all their pitches and pilots had been ‘shelved’ (a super inside word in the ‘indo’ (super inside word for ‘industry’) meaning put on a shelf in a producer’s office; after which the producer is fired and subsequently leaves the building (or reclaimed warehouse or church space) without the said pilot, which is then cleared out by an after hours foreign cleaner who decides to take the tape home and watch it with their family in complete and eerie silence.)))
But after all the trials and tribulations with TV execs who said they couldn’t do a Grant and Ahn project because audience standards were “too high”, they and the Australian viewing public wised up and said “Hey, who the fuck are we to have high standards of entertainment and leadership in this country, what are we up ourselves? Jesus Christ, let’s stop being such phoney, equivocal queers and just do something with Ahn and Grant and get back to what this is all about- green room drinks.” So, Slideshow finally saw the two heavyweights, or should I say ‘sillyweights’ (it’s often hard to decide who’s sillier!) teamed up on the small (big in my house y’all!) screen. It was pity they couldn’t make Ahn a regular cast member so we could get Grant and Ahn, Ahn and Grant every single fucking week- but hey, even Channel Seven only has so much money and it’s not like Ahn’s going to lower his price at this point in his career. No way. But never fear ‘GrAhnt’ fans…I have more delicious insider goss that may answer our prayers…
Granto is poised to host ‘Million Dollar Minute Muckup Madness Mayhem’ I think it’s called, where the generous gent is giving away a million bucks in a one minute quiz- get this- to honest, dumb fuck, poor, regular, sad shitheads like us! Even though we live in orange brick, suburban shitholes in the middle of nowhere all across the country- Grant is going to sling us mere mortals who could never understand how TV works, sweet wages of cash! And I know what your thinking, “I’d be too embarrassed to have Grant in my orange brick shithole after he’s been in his hotel-like, inner-city apartment with marble walled lobby and a concierge who calls him ‘Amisser Denyer’ all day”, and you’d be right! But Denyo is a true gentleman and I’m sure would behave so well that he’d happily bring his daughter Sailor (nickname ‘Wendell’) along with him to your humble abode and not even brush the layer of carpet fibers, ceiling paint flakes and moths from his casual tuxedo jacket and distressed jeans combo as he leaves until he is well out of view behind the tinted glass of the car service, which of course has been waiting, surrounded by local, shoeless children, with the engine running for the entire 3 minutes. But from what I hear, it is very clearly stated in his contract that Grant will not be leaving the studio and therefore not entering anyone’s home- so you can put your severe embarrassment about they way you live and how, because of that Grant would never be able to accept you as a friend, to one side and just win some sweet cash!
Anyway, word is when your ‘average Joe-sad sack-isn’t it sweet that even with my pathetic life I’ve memorised some answers to trivia questions that could now pay off and justify all our shitty little existences even though we all know I’ll lose or take some greedy out’ in theory “wins” the cash, they don’t just get handed to the money…Boring! Apparently, our man Ahn Do has been working on a sweet regurgitation act for an up-coming stand-up tour and the inside info is that Ahn will be literally bringing up the cash from his belly on que from Grant after swallowing the booty before the show. And so, the lucky Joe Nobody will get to pluck their slimy winnings directly from Ahn’s mouth!
Fingers crossed that this is all true and you, me and everyone else who wants to enjoy their lives, gets to switch on, tune in and check out a lot more ‘GrAhnt’ in the weeks to come. Go boys and drive safe!